By Emily Guarnotta, PsyD, PMH-C
Postpartum depression, also known as perinatal depression, is one of the most common perinatal mental health conditions. It affects around 1 in 5 new mothers and 1 in 10 new fathers. Postpartum depression can manifest as feelings of sadness, anger, irritability, lack of enjoyment in parenthood, and difficulty bonding with the baby. Some parents may also experience intrusive thoughts, which are thoughts that are unwanted and distressing and often involve harm to the baby or parent.
While any parent can develop postpartum depression during the perinatal period, some parents are at greater risk, including those with a history of mental health conditions, unplanned or unwanted pregnancy, a history of fertility challenges or pregnancy loss, and a lack of support. High-stress parenting groups, such as military families, queer and trans families, single parents, teen parents, and parents of multiples are also at greater risk of developing a perinatal mental health condition.
Perinatal mental health conditions like postpartum depression are a public health issue. Untreated perinatal mental health conditions can have long-term effects on the parent and baby, so getting the right help is important for the entire family system.
Family and friends play a critical role in supporting loved ones who may be experiencing postpartum depression or another perinatal mental health condition. Before highlighting some ways to support a loved one, it is important to note that there are different types of support:
- Emotional support refers to listening to another person without judgment and offering empathy and reassurance.
- Instrumental support involves offering to help with practical matters to help lighten a person’s load, such as chores or childcare.
- Informational support means providing knowledge, advice, or resources.
New parents, especially those who are at risk of or experiencing a perinatal mental health condition, may need one or all of these types of support. As a psychologist who works with new parents and a mother myself, I often hear new parents share that they have an abundance of informational support, but not enough emotional or instrumental support. They often share that friends, family, and even strangers offer loads of advice. When this is combined with all of the information available on the internet, it can feel very overwhelming. For this reason, I most often encourage friends and family to ask before offering unsolicited advice and to focus their efforts on more emotional and instrumental support.
Here are 10 ways that you can support a parent experiencing postpartum depression:
- Check in.
During the postpartum period, people are often checking in on the baby, but few ask how the parent is doing. This can leave the parent feeling like “What about me?” and fosters silence. To counteract this, make an effort to ask the parent how they are doing and allow them to share their true feelings with you. When I check with friends after they have a baby, I will often say something like “Hi, I’m sure things are very busy right now, but I just wanted to let you know that I’m thinking of you. I remember feeling so many emotions when my kids were born, so I just wanted to let you know that I’m here for you. No pressure to answer though!” - Listen without judgment.
New parents with a perinatal mental health condition often feel shame and judge themselves for their struggles. Because of this, it’s especially important to listen without judging them. Remember that a parent struggling is trying their best and be mindful of any comments that could come across as critical. - Reassure them.
Parents who are struggling often feel hopeless and alone, so reassuring them that they are not alone and help is available can go a long way. - Help with household chores.
More often than not, new parents, especially those experiencing a perinatal mental health condition, feel overwhelmed with trying to keep up with everything. Between cleaning, laundry, and newborn care, it can certainly feel like there are not enough hours in the day. Offering a helping hand with these things can go a long way. - Encourage social connection.
Not having enough support and connection can put a person at greater risk of a perinatal mental health condition. If your loved one seems isolated or lonely, you can gently encourage them to try a support group or a mommy-and-me class. Postpartum Support International offers more than 50 free support groups each week. If they’re hesitant, you can try to explore why this is. For example, are they nervous to meet other people or do they feel like they don’t have time? From there, you might help them brainstorm solutions and offer help. - Don’t take their symptoms personally.
Many people do not realize that irritability is a common symptom of postpartum depression. When a new parent seems on edge or snaps at something that you say, try extending them grace and remember that it is their symptoms talking. It can be hard not to take it personally, but giving them the benefit of the doubt means so much during such an overwhelming time. Instead of snapping back, meet them with love and compassion. - Encourage sleep and rest.
Sleepless nights may seem like a rite of passage for new parents, but there is a strong link between lack of sleep and the risk of postpartum depression. Helping new parents find ways to get sleep is an important way to support their mental health. Consider offering to help with night feedings or childcare during the day so that parents can get extra rest. - Bring over meals.
New parents, especially those experiencing a perinatal mental health condition, may be the first to neglect their well-being by skipping meals or not drinking enough water. Offering to bring home-cooked meals can be a great way to show your support while making sure that the family is getting the nourishment that they need. It also communicates that “your needs matter too!” - Respect their boundaries.
I often find that when a new parent sets a boundary, such as “no visitors” or “no kissing baby,” friends and family can take it the wrong way. They may feel hurt, angry, or even offended. But the truth is that a parent’s boundaries come from a place of love for their child. They are not personal attacks. Even if you don’t agree with their boundaries or you think the parent is being “over the top,” it’s your job as a support person to respect them. - Encourage professional help.
Perhaps one of the most helpful things you can do for a parent struggling with a perinatal mental health condition is to educate yourself on treatment options and encourage them to seek help. Perinatal mental health conditions like postpartum depression are treatable. Treatment often includes a combination of therapy, social support, and in some cases, medication. Postpartum Support International offers a directory of licensed mental health professionals with training in perinatal mental health. Letting a parent know that help is available and pointing them in the right direction is a way to extend your support.
Supporting a loved one through postpartum depression or any perinatal mental health condition involves patience, empathy, and a willingness to show up in meaningful ways. Whether it’s offering a listening ear, helping with household chores, or encouraging the person to seek professional help, there is no act too small. By prioritizing emotional and instrumental support over unsolicited advice, respecting their boundaries, and reminding them that they are not alone, we can help new parents with postpartum depression on their healing journey.
References
- Postpartum Support International. Perinatal mental health: Signs, symptoms, and treatment. https://www.postpartum.net/perinatal-mental-health/
- Wisner, K. L., Chambers, C., & Sit, D. K. (2006). Postpartum depression: a major public health problem. JAMA, 296(21), 2616-2618. https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jama/article-abstract/204350#google_vignette
- Meltzer-Brody, S., & Stuebe, A. (2014). The long-term psychiatric and medical prognosis of perinatal mental illness. Best Practice & Research Clinical Obstetrics & Gynaecology, 28(1), 49-60. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3947371/
- Iranpour, S., Kheirabadi, G. R., Esmaillzadeh, A., Heidari-Beni, M., & Maracy, M. R. (2016). Association between sleep quality and postpartum depression. Journal of Research in Medical Sciences, 21(1), 110. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC5322694/
About the Author
Emily Guarnotta, PsyD, PMH-C
Emily is a licensed clinical psychologist and PMH-C. She specializes in maternal mental health and substance use disorders, providing care for clients facing infertility, pregnancy loss, and perinatal mood and anxiety disorders. She is one of the founders of Phoenix Health, an online practice focused on perinatal mental health. Dr. Guarnotta is dedicated to raising awareness and improving access to mental health services for families adjusting to parenthood.
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