Danielle’s Story
At PSI, we understand that storytelling has the power to save lives, and we are honored to provide a space for survivors to share their stories. This article is part of a subsection of the PSI blog dedicated to survivor stories. Please note that this story has not been edited, and caution is advised as distressing themes related to perinatal mental health may be present. If there are specific trigger warnings for an article, they will be listed below. Links to resources can be found at the bottom of this page.
Pregnancy and Childbirth
In the summer of 2021, I found out that I was pregnant with my daughter. I’ve always wanted to be a mom. I couldn’t wait to start planning and getting the nursery ready. I absolutely LOVED everything about being pregnant. I loved feeling the kicks and felt this amazing bond right away. I was on a high and embraced each stage of pregnancy.
At the beginning of March, I gave birth to my beautiful baby girl. For me, labor was extremely effortless. It was such a beautiful experience. Everything went smoothly and as planned. I felt euphoric. We left the hospital the next day and I still felt great. This was supposed to be the most magical time, right? Everyone said it would be pure bliss as we settled into our new norm.
Early Postpartum
After a few days of being home, some anxiety started to kick in. I was becoming very emotional. I noticed I missed being pregnant. I missed that connection of feeling her inside of me. It’s so hard to explain, but even though she was right in front of me, I missed her and felt empty. As the days went on, something felt off. I didn’t like the way I was feeling. The euphoric feeling started to go away.
I made an appointment with my OB immediately. I didn’t know who else to turn to. You always hear about postpartum depression, but you never think it’s going to happen to you. I vented to my OB about how I had been feeling. I was already on medication for my anxiety and OCD, so they decided to double my dosage. The medical staff said that what I was feeling were hallmark symptoms of postpartum. I was terrified. I didn’t want to feel this way. It’s not like you can flip a switch and make yourself feel happy. I wanted that euphoric feeling back. That high that I had for nine months was gone and I just wanted to feel like myself again.
Lack of sleep wasn’t helping my symptoms improve. The newborn stage is no joke. Every day felt like a hazy fog. Where was that pure bliss? Where was that instant bond everyone told me about? Every day I felt worse and worse. I reached out to my OB again and told her that I was not improving at the higher dose. It was recommended that I see a perinatal psychiatrist. I had no clue what that even was. I never heard of this before. I just wanted this feeling to be over and wasn’t sure how to get better.
A perinatal psychiatrist is a specialty that focuses on the mental health of pregnant women and women post-delivery. After researching psychiatrists, I found one in the area and called immediately. Dr. A picked up the phone. She had a calming tone to her voice and I instantly felt a wave of relief. She reassured me that what I was feeling was very common and that many women experience similar emotions and thoughts. I burst into tears. Thankfully she was able to get me in ASAP.
Getting Diagnosed
I was diagnosed with postpartum depression, anxiety, and OCD. I was never aware that my OCD could get worse. Dr. A explained to me that a woman’s brain chemistry changes after she has a baby. Several interconnected brain regions drive mothering behaviors and mood. Combine that with a rollercoaster of hormones and you are bound for a loss of emotional control.
After adjusting my meds, two weeks later I started to feel like myself again. I thought it was finally over, but I was wrong. My depression slowly started creeping back. I went back into a full-blown depression weeks later. I was admitted to the hospital for a week where some quick medication switches were made. When I was discharged, I was admitted to an outpatient program for perinatal mental health. It was a group therapy.
I thought I was going to hate it and I didn’t want to hear other women complain about their problems. I had my own to deal with. Little did I know, this would be exactly what I needed. It was so helpful for me to be with women that were going through the same exact thing as me. These women were my saving grace.
Did you know that there is only ONE program like that in Illinois? I wish I had known about this resource beforehand. I wish I knew how common this could be. Why don’t doctors tell women about these resources as a precaution? Why don’t more people talk about their experiences after being diagnosed? After two months, I “graduated” from the program. They truly got me back on my feet. I don’t know where I would be if I didn’t join.
Today
I now see a therapist regularly and I am still working with a perinatal psychiatrist and my group. I’m grateful that my family, husband, and friends have been with me every step of the way. Surround yourself with a loving group that will be there for you. No amount of words will ever be able to describe the love I have for my beautiful daughter. She makes me want to be strong and keep fighting.
I never could have imagined that I would experience this after giving birth. It is so important to take each day as it comes. Each day is another step in the right direction. I want to share my story to show women that they are not alone. You are not flawed, weak, or defective. It is okay to talk about your experience and your feelings. It is okay to say “I am not okay and I need help.” There is hope in healing.
Get Help
Learn More about Perinatal Mental Health Disorders
Free Online Peer Support Groups, including Perinatal Mood Support
