By Nicole McNelis, M.Ed., NCC, LPC, PMH-C

Oftentimes when mothers describe their experience of Mom Rage to me, they describe feeling like they are Drowning and Exploding at the same time. It’s pretty clear that we need to talk about Mom Rage. 

As a mental health therapist, it’s my job to notice patterns. Every so often, I notice that specific issues are coming up over and over again for my different clients in their individual sessions. A few years ago, I started to notice that the topic of Mom Rage was being brought up quite often across therapy sessions by so many of my clients. And that is how my years-long deep dive into the world of Mom Rage began.  

It started with a curiosity that quickly led to a desire to help my clients manage their Mom Rage. It continues today with creating educational content on Mom Rage for both clients and fellow therapists. 

I wanted to share what clients and therapists alike have found most helpful in learning about Mom Rage. We’ll examine causes, ways to cope, and ultimately reasons for hope. 

It’s time we talked about Mom Rage. And it’s time that we talked about it in ways that are open, understanding, and compassionate.

Why Is It Important to Talk About Mom Rage/Maternal Rage?

Mom Rage is finally gaining recognition as an issue in the postpartum period and beyond. It’s important for mothers to feel less alone when discussing Mom Rage. We can reduce the guilt, shame, and stigma that can accompany Mom Rage when we speak about it out loud and with care. 

What Is Mom Rage?

Let’s start with talking about the language used around the concept of Mom Rage. 

The concept of Mom Rage is tied to the experience of motherhood. In this piece, the term mom/mother is used inclusively to describe anyone identifying as a mother, or in a mothering role, and honors all motherhood experiences.

Mom Rage Is Defined As:  

• Uncontrollable episodes of intense anger associated with mothering that are not goal-directed and may derive from feelings of powerlessness, injustice, and stress. (Billotte Verhoff et al., 2023)
• Maternal Rage is the umbrella term for mom rage experienced at any point during the motherhood experience. 
• Postpartum Rage is maternal rage experienced specifically during the postpartum period.

How Does Mom Rage Look and Feel? 

So Much Guilt and Shame

Many mothers experience Mom Rage accompanied by relentless guilt and shame for feeling angry. 

These feelings of guilt and shame can stem from:

• Failing to live up to the concept of ideal motherhood
• Fear of being shamed by other mothers
• Concerns about being a “bad mother”
• The expectation to always experience motherhood as blissful

The Buildup, the Explosion, and the Aftermath

Mom Rage is a cycle. There is the Buildup of stress, frustration, overstimulation, and/or overwhelm. Then comes the Explosion – the yelling and screaming. That is then followed by the Aftermath – feeling badly for getting angry and losing it with your kids. 

Can you relate? 

You are trying to get your toddler and baby to daycare on time. You have asked your toddler “nicely” to put on their shoes and get their backpack on about 500 million times. Your toddler refuses to put on shoes. That is also the very moment the baby starts to cry. You are going to be late for work, again. You can feel the anger rising, that tightness in the chest, and before you even realize it – you start yelling in a desperate attempt to get out the door. The moment that everyone is in the car and buckled in, you take a deep breath and feel absolutely horrible for raising your voice and losing your cool.

What Causes Mom Rage?

Researchers point to two factors over and over again when looking for Mom Rage triggers: Violated Expectations and Compromised Needs. 

These Violated Expectations and Compromised Needs include everything from sleep deprivation to lack of self-care time, the absence of an adequate support system, to the general overwhelm and overstimulation of parenthood. 

Factors That Can Impact Mom Rage

It is important to note that gender, socioeconomic status, race, and ethnicity are only a few factors that can impact the experience of Mom Rage and how society views a mother experiencing rage. Women are often labeled as hysterical when expressing rage. And women of color are often judged even more harshly when experiencing and expressing that same rage. 

What Can Be Done to Cope With Mom Rage?

We need to take a holistic and multi-faceted approach to Mom Rage. 

Instead of framing mom rage as the failing of an individual mother, we need to acknowledge the larger forces at play AND provide relief through individual coping strategies.

Effective Individual Coping Strategies include:

• Engaging in therapy with a therapist who is trained and knowledgeable in Mom Rage.
• Somatic strategies – Deep breathing, movement breaks, and physical time-outs.
• Cognitive strategies – Challenging negative thoughts using self-compassion. For example, instead of judging yourself as a “bad mom” for experiencing rage, recognize that you are a loving and caring mom. 
• Family strategies – Finding equitable ways to share the physical and mental load of managing a household. 

Effective Societal Interventions:

• Better access to a spectrum of care for mothers, including medical and mental health care.
• Changing perceptions around maternal anger from the scary mom/hysterical mom/crazy mom to the overwhelmed, overworked, and unsupported mom. 

Reasons for Hope

As an individual therapist, I am working with individuals that exist within a larger system. We don’t exist in a bubble. We are always pushing up against and interacting with the systems in which we live. It’s critical to understand Mom Rage in the context in which it arises. 

Mom Rage is a powerful reaction to stress, powerlessness, overwhelm, and exhaustion. And it is this rage that can be used as a catalyst for change. Mom Rage is a warning signal. Mom Rage tells us that a mother is not being supported. We can then use that warning signal to move toward change, ask for what we need, engage in the care we need, and find support. 

If we are to truly work to combat the issue of Mom Rage, we have to use maternal anger as an opportunity for growth and positive change. 

We need to Challenge the notion that maternal rage is inherently irrational and unproductive.

We need to Counter the idea that maternal rage makes us “bad” mothers.

Mom Rage is not a personal failing; it is an Awakening.  

Expanding the Academic Knowledge Base on Mom Rage

Adding to the scholarly literature on Maternal Rage is critically important. This research study is a great opportunity to explore provider feelings in regards to working with the issue of maternal rage. In collaboration with Dr. Alexa Bonacquisti at the Philadelphia College of Osteopathic Medicine, we are working to expand the academic knowledge base and understand provider experiences of Mom Rage.

References:

McNelis, N. (2024, July 26). Maternal Rage: Implications & Interventions [Conference Presentation: Live Audio & PowerPoint Slides]. Postpartum Support International Conference 2024: Washington DC, United States of America. 

Billotte Verhoff C., Hosek AM, Cherry J. “A Fire in my Belly:” Conceptualizing U.S. Women’s Experiences of “Mom Rage”. Sex Roles. 2023;88(11-12):495-513. doi: 10.1007/s11199-023-01376-8 

Chemaly, S. L. (2019). Rage Becomes Her: The Power of Women’s Anger. Atria Books.

Dubin, M. (2023). Mom Rage. Seal Press. 

Huppatz, K. E. (2018). ‘What have I done?’: an exploration of the ambivalent, unimaginable emotions of new motherhood. In R. Kokanovic, P. A. Michaels, & K. Johnston-Ataata (Eds.), Paths to Parenthood: Emotions on the Journey Through Pregnancy, Childbirth, and Early Parenting (pp. 145-164).

Lockman, D. (2019). All the rage: mothers, fathers, and the myth of equal partnership. Harper.

Ou, C. H. K., Hall, W. A., Rodney, P., & Stremler, R. (2022). Seeing Red: A Grounded Theory Study of Women’s Anger after Childbirth. Qualitative Health Research, 32(12), 1780–1794. https://doi.org/10.1177/10497323221120173

Ou, C. H., Hall, W. A., Rodney, P., & Stremler, R. (2022). Correlates of Canadian mothers’ anger during the postpartum period: a cross-sectional survey. BMC Pregnancy and Childbirth, 22(1). https://doi.org/10.1186/s12884-022-04479-4‌

Postpartum Rage: Symptoms, Diagnosis & Treatment. (n.d.). Cleveland Clinic.   https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/24768-postpartum-rage‌

Salerno, J. M., Peter-Hagene, L. C., & Jay, A. C. V. (2019). Women and African Americans are less influential when they express anger during group decision making. Group Processes & Intergroup Relations, 22(1), 57-79. https://doi.org/10.1177/1368430217702967

Tobe, H., Kita, S., Hayashi, M., Umeshita, K., & Kamibeppu, K. (2020). Mediating effect of resilience during pregnancy on the association between maternal trait anger and postnatal depression. Comprehensive Psychiatry, 102, 152190. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.comppsych.2020.152190 

About the Author

Nicole McNelis, M.Ed., NCC, LPC, PMH-C

Nicole is a licensed mental health therapist and perinatal mental health counseling specialist. She is the founder of an award-winning counseling private practice in the suburbs of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania – where she also resides with her family. Passionate about supporting individuals through life transitions both big and small, Nicole helps her clients move through the overwhelm and exhaustion of juggling it all – all the time. Nicole has been featured as a mental health expert in print publications, online media, books, and podcasts. Serving as a Subject Matter Expert and Conference Presenter for Postpartum Support International, Nicole is honored to serve the perinatal mental health community.

For more information on Nicole and her practice, visit  www.nicolemcnelis.com. Stay up-to-date with Nicole’s work on Instagram.

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