At PSI, we understand that storytelling has the power to save lives, and we are honored to provide a space for survivors to share their stories. This article is part of a subsection of the PSI blog dedicated to survivor stories. Please note that this story has not been edited, and caution is advised as distressing themes related to perinatal mental health may be present. If there are specific trigger warnings for an article, they will be listed below. Links to resources can be found at the bottom of this page.
Trigger warning: fertility struggles, traumatic birth
Getting pregnant wasn’t easy for me. The process of trying to conceive triggered my anxiety, which I believe I had my entire life.
After a few years of fertility treatment, I had my first IVF transfer and became pregnant with my first child. My fears consumed me for nine months. I hid my pregnancy from everyone around me, except my husband, so I didn’t have to talk about it.
At delivery, the placenta wouldn’t come out and I had to have an emergency D&C. It was traumatic. For weeks afterward, I felt overwhelmed, both emotionally and physically.
Although I was grateful to have my beautiful daughter, I continued to suppress my feelings and put all my energy into caring for her. It was all I could do to keep it together. Three months after she was born, I began practicing yoga again and felt like myself again. I thought the worst was over.
Less than two years later, I started treatment again. For the years that followed, I had countless failed cycles and procedures, followed by four consecutive pregnancy losses. I isolated myself and became depressed.
After our last IVF transfer, I finally got pregnant with my second child. Despite the good news, I anticipated failure at every turn. Every time I went to the bathroom and before every OB/MFM checkup, I looked for things to be wrong. My anxiety was at an all-time high.
Some of the ways I found helpful to cope during that time were focusing on being present in the moment, practicing yoga and meditating every day, and seeing a therapist, to learn better coping methods for stress and anxiety.
Unfortunately, a week after my second child was born, I learned I had another retained placenta and had to have another emergency D&C. I hemorrhaged and was in the hospital for two days away from my newborn. Thankfully, I survived and was able to go home to my family.
After all that I went through, a few of the lessons I learned, that can help if you are struggling too were to:
- Advocate for yourself, you know your body best and what it needs.
- Ask for help when you need it, especially for your mental health.
- Talk about your feelings, with friends, family and a medical provider.
- Stay in the present moment, take each day as it comes.
- Meditate each morning, when you wake up and each night before bed.
- Breathe, especially in the hardest moments.
- Use your support system, every single day.
- Know that somehow, you will find a way through it all.
- Remember you’re not alone.
Note: Another version of this story was first published on HuffPost.
Lisa McCarty, Writer, Women’s Health Advocate and IVF Mom of 2.
Follow her on Instagram and Twitter.
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