Allison’s Story

Trigger warning: miscarriage, traumatic loss, suicidal ideation

I had a severe case of postpartum panic disorder twice—once after a miscarriage, and once after my second live birth. However, I had to go to ten different health providers before I got a diagnosis. 

My first pregnancy resulted in a miscarriage while I was a PhD student. It was traumatic—I bled so heavily that I needed to go to the ER. I was devastated, but stable. But a few weeks later, I began to feel dizzy. These episodes developed into periods where I felt like my brain was, for lack of a better word, dissolving. Eventually, I became bedridden. I talked to my OB, my campus physician, a hematologist, a naturopath, a psychologist, a therapist, and—when I was positive it must have been an aneurysm—an ER doctor. I was told, over and over again, that it was normal to be sad after a loss. Not one health provider mentioned that the hormone shift after a pregnancy loss can cause a postpartum mood disorder.

The psychologist did prescribe Zoloft. I was skeptical that it would help, but I began taking a low dose about a month after my symptoms began. My symptoms eventually faded, I stopped taking Zoloft, and I didn’t have symptoms again until I weaned my son. Twice, I had episodes so bad that I had to stop teaching in the middle of a class. No one told me that the hormone shift after weaning can cause a postpartum mood disorder. I assumed it must be low blood sugar. 

My second birth was unmedicated, quick, and easy. I spent those first few weeks so happy and in love with my baby. But then, dizzy episodes. I went to a psychologist who recommended I get tested for POTS. My OB said she’d monitor it. Within a week, while pushing the stroller, I told my husband that I needed to sit down. The ground was moving under me. My brain was collapsing—I could trace the feeling with my finger. I was too scared to move, and then, for hours after, filled with a sense of debilitating despair. The episodes began coming daily, lasting from morning until evening, when I typically got a few hours of relief. I loved my children, but the feeling was so excruciating that I didn’t want to live. My mother came to town: I couldn’t care for my baby.

The next day, I went to my primary care physician, a medical resident, and finally got a diagnosis: it was a postpartum mood disorder. “But,” I said, “I was happy! I wasn’t worried about anything!” She explained that it was caused by the natural hormone fluctuation, which also caused my symptoms post-miscarriage and while weaning. 

I was nervous to take hydroxyzine and Zoloft while nursing, but a lactation consultant and pediatrician assured me it would be okay. My mom’s coworker—the only person I’ve ever met who had the same symptoms as me—told me medication helped her. The hydroxyzine worked instantly, and the Zoloft took two weeks to kick in. While slowly recovering, I called the PSI hotline, attended PSI group meetings, and went to therapy and a psychologist. Within a month, I was much better. Now, almost two years later, I’m here for my two wonderful kids, more successful than ever in my field, signed up to volunteer with PSI, and very happy to be alive. 

If you could offer advice to another parent who is in need of help, what would you say?

Find a doctor who understands postpartum mood disorders and has a proactive and preventative treatment approach. I went to ten health professionals until I got a diagnosis. 

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Learn More about Perinatal Mental Health Disorders

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