By Natalie Olshevski, BSN, RN
Spoiler Alert: It’s Not Your Fault
You are not alone if you feel pressured to be, do, and have it all as a parent. The surgeon general typically issues an advisory when immediate attention needs to be given to an important and urgent public health issue, and one has now been issued on parenting stress. Over the last decade, a dizzying array of factors has created a unique set of challenges for modern parents in the U.S. Some of these factors are similar to previous generations but have been exacerbated due to recent events. Some factors are new to today’s generation of parents, like the ever-increasing pace of globalization and technological advancement, which can make our children’s futures seem more uncertain than ever before. These factors combine to cause historically high levels of severe or prolonged stress related to parenting.
Why Are Parents Today So Stressed?
Nearly half of current parents and caregivers report their stress as “completely overwhelming” compared to only 26% of other adults. This difference between parenting and non-parenting adults has risen consistently over the last ten years, so we can’t strictly blame the pandemic’s effects. Let’s take a deeper look at some of the biggest reasons why.
Finances
The cost of living is higher, and wages are lower than in previous generations of parents, even when controlling for inflation. One-quarter of parents in the U.S. report not having enough money over the last year to cover the bare necessities like food, housing, healthcare, and childcare. This is unsurprising, given that our dollar today has 86% less purchasing power than baby boomers had entering parenthood. Many parents today came of age between 2000 and 2010, a time spanning the economic recession that decreased wages by 7.5% while raising prices by 25%. This handicap during a critical period for young adults to save or purchase real estate may have changed financial foundations when it came time to have kids. Owning a home has become wildly out of reach for many as the median home price is nearly double that of a house in 1970, even after adjusting for inflation. Rent also increased 150% since 1970 and never dipped during the recession. Childcare costs grew 26% in the last ten years. Additionally, current parents may be the first to become a new type of sandwich generation–one in which parents are trying to pay back their student loans while saving for their children’s education, all on more meager wages.
Children’s Health & Safety
Gun-related injuries are now the top cause of death in children 1-19 years old, which could explain why 74% of parents agree that the idea of a school shooting affecting their child is a significant stressor. Twenty percent of parents struggle to have their child’s special health care needs met, whether that be anything from a learning disability to asthma to ADHD. There is also a current youth mental health crisis, potentially spurred by technology and social media use at younger ages. More than half of parents are worried about how social media contributes to their children’s anxiety, depression, peer pressure, and bullying.
Time
Despite lower wages, we work longer hours today than four decades ago. Moms have had a larger increase in average hours at work per week than dads, but fathers are now working an average of over 41 hours per week, compared to under 40 hours in 1985. Outside of work, we have less time for leisure because a quarter of adults are taking care of their parents and because we spend more time doing direct childcare activities. Since 1985, time spent watching and physically caring for children, attending their events, and directly playing and doing educational activities with them has increased by 40% for mothers and 154% for fathers. Time for ourselves, our partners, and our sleep has declined, which may add stress to our daily lives.
Parenting Culture
In addition to spending more time parenting, social norms around parenting have changed in ways that increased pressure on parents to meet new standards. The gentle parenting movement has risen in popularity across social media, leading some parents to feel pressure to perfect their parenting skills. Living in an Instagram-influencer culture of parenthood ideals, analyzing a deluge of available information on the best parenting strategies, and managing children’s screen time and social media use at a young age are all stressful factors unique to this generation of parents. Another new trend is the number of college grads, which has increased by 254% since 1970, making competition for well-paying jobs tougher. To set kids apart during the college admissions process, a culture of high childhood achievement has affected children’s ability to play freely and engage in kid-driven activities during their free time. With a rapidly changing high-tech future ahead, parents have replaced this time with adult-facilitated activities at younger ages. Studies show that lack of free play can decrease happiness, competence, growth, and resilience in kids, thereby contributing another factor to the youth mental health crisis. Parents are weathering these high parental pressures increasingly alone, with 65% of parents and guardians reporting feelings of loneliness.
Why Do Stress Levels Matter?
Studies show that parent mental health influences children’s mental health and vice versa. Relationship quality between a parent and child is critical to a child’s cognitive and emotional development. One study showed that a child is twice as likely to be diagnosed with a developmental, behavioral, or mental disorder if they have a primary caregiver who reports their mental health as being poor. Even before birth, a high level of perceived stress by a pregnant mother can increase a child’s risk of having mental health conditions when older. Recent research is also moving away from a mother-centric viewpoint to include more studies on the mental health of fathers, which similarly impacts the mental health of children in the home. Finally, the surgeon general stresses the importance to the future of all society that we, as a culture, learn to support parents in taking good care of themselves. If parents feel supported and encouraged to care for themselves as well as their children, their improved mental health will naturally influence the mental health of children for the better.
How Do We Fix Parental Stress?
The surgeon general’s advisory includes specific recommendations on how various members of society can impact severe levels of parent stress, including teachers, extended family members, community organizers, researchers, and government officials. No matter the role we play in society, we can echo the sentiment of the surgeon general in expressing the value of parenting as equal to paid work, thereby supporting the parents in our communities. The remainder of this article focuses on how we, as parents, can also care for ourselves.
Get Connected
Parents need to be in community with other parents and caregivers to decrease the skyrocketing levels of loneliness contributing to depression, anxiety, and stress. Join a free online support group with PSI here. Groups are available on different days and times and even in other languages. Talking with other parents about the difficulties of parenthood reduces the stigma around our joint struggles and, therefore, reduces stress. Setting up a recurring weekly hang with a friend can cut down on managing logistics while allowing you more headspace to connect. Can you meet on the same day and time for a walk or drink of tea? If meeting in person is not an option, try the Wednesday Waffle, a format for staying in touch with friends that went viral during the pandemic. The ‘waffle’ part comes from an Australian slang term for ‘blathering’ in which, every Wednesday, friends share a video or voice note in a group chat updating each other on their week.
Get Help When Needed
Use PSI’s directory to find a mental health provider virtually or locally that can offer professional support. Feel like you can’t fit in or afford therapy right now? Speak to a local PSI support volunteer who can help you find other options in your area. Remember that caring for yourself is a major part of how you care for your family, and you are not alone if you find yourself struggling. You deserve to have help if you are feeling bad and are not improving on your own.
Culture Shift
There is significant mental and physical labor involved in parenting that must be valued as impactful to society. Remember that it is not possible to be the best at parenting all the time. Good is better than perfect and that goes for self-care activities, as well. Small time investments of fifteen minutes here or there for exercise, meditation, and hobbies can reduce stress levels. If you feel like stepping off the hamster wheel of endless organized children’s activities, you will find support through an organization called Let Grow, whose founder recently published the bestselling book The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness.
Policy Change
If or when you have the bandwidth, learn about political policies that affect parents nationally and locally. Paid parental and family leave, universal healthcare, universal Pre-K, and affordable childcare are all issues that directly impact parenting stress. Also, if you have any influence over your workplace, you can advocate for family-friendly policies, flexible schedules, and comprehensive medical and mental health benefits. Addressing the underlying causes of parent stress is beneficial for all.
Conclusion
While it may at times feel like the factors promoting stress in parenthood are stacked against us, there are some factors that we have more control over than others. These are the factors we should focus on if we want to improve stress levels. While the state of the economy, work circumstances, and culture writ large are not solely under our command, we can ask ourselves if there are ways we can connect weekly with our friends and family. We can consider if there’s a sports activity or extracurricular that our child feels lukewarm about that we can cut out of our family’s schedule. We can seek assistance in gaining professional mental health support. In doing so, we know that we are positively influencing the mental health of our children simultaneously, which has endless advantages for their development.
References
Consumer Affairs Research Team. (2024, June 12). Comparing the costs of generations. Consumer Affairs. https://www.consumeraffairs.com/finance/comparing-the-costs-of-generations.html
Gray et al. (2023). Decline in independent activity as a cause of decline in children’s mental well-being: Summary of the evidence. The Journal of Pediatrics, 257, 113352. https://www.petergray.org/_files/ugd/b4b4f9_0a7c4a1f099b4cadb05aa17210b8524c.pdf
Let Grow. (2024). Home. Let Grow. https://letgrow.org/
Thomson, M. (2023, March 24). Heartwarming way millennial’s weekly tradition keeps him close to friends. Newsweek. https://www.newsweek.com/heartwarming-millennials-weekly-tradition-close-friends-1890750
U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. (2024). Parents under pressure: The U.S. Surgeon General’s advisory on the mental health & well-being of parents. DHS. https://www.hhs.gov/sites/default/files/parents-under-pressure.pdf
About the Author
Natalie Olshevski, BSN, RN
Natalie Olshevski holds a Bachelor’s degree in Applied Psychology from NYU and a second Bachelor’s in Nursing from Jefferson University. Her early work in pediatric mental health, ESL instruction, and medical interpreter training informs her current work, as does her experience as a nurse in acute med-surg and home hospice care. When Natalie was 11 months postpartum, she was diagnosed with thyroid cancer, which fueled her interest in peripartum mental health and cancer survivorship. Natalie’s writing niches include pediatric and peripartum mental health, functional medicine, and longevity science.
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